Faith in the Face of Adversity

Image“I will not curse the darkness. I will light candles.” – John H. White

At the end of May, the Chicago Sun-Times laid off its entire photography staff. From what I’ve read, reporters will need to take mandatory iPhone photography basics and start taking their own photos to accompany stories. iPhones are in the hands of millions of Americans now and the built-in camera takes good enough pictures when you’re in a pinch and don’t want to carry around a proper camera. Yet its appalling that a smartphone device could ever take the place of the trained eye of a professional photographer.

It was through this unfortunate incident that I came to learn about John H. White, 1982 Pulitzer Prize winning photojournalist who was one of the individuals suddenly out of a job on that fateful May day. 

He exudes a magnetic “grace under fire,” an overall sense of serenity as he lays the present and the future in the hands of God. He exemplifies true faith in the face of adversity and I find myself enraptured in this man’s beliefs, clinging to them like a lifeline. John White governs his life by three F’s: Faith, Focus, Flight. 

I wonder how I would have reacted if I were in Mr. White’s shoes? Knowing myself, I probably would have felt defeated, aimless and purposeless wondering “what the heck am I going to do now?”

Instead, John White says “Keep in flight, keep in flight.” It’s challenging to do that when the world comes crashing down around you. I contemplate those words every day now. If I’m in flight, I’ve been diverted off my flight plan. I used to have my life all mapped out and planned, but suddenly in my twenties learned that plans can easily change. What you think will be, rarely is. 

Mr. White’s not the only person I’ve seen who has such unwavering faith in the good and not so good times. I was 11 years old the first I saw similar conviction of faith demonstrated by my parents who held strong to their religion, beliefs and each other despite the death of my sister not quite five months old. If they questioned and faltered, I never personally witnessed it.  I, on the other hand, am still struggling with blind faith, especially in darker hours. 

It seems that John White is reinventing himself; there appears to be a website underway: http://www.keepinflight.com. I’ll be keeping tabs on it and him. I feel an inexplicable kindred of spirit to this incredible man. Keep in flight, sir….and I promise I’m going to try, too!

 

 

 

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Riding In Cars With Strangers

“Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.” – “Counting Stars” by One Republic

In the late fall of the millennial year, I was a passenger in a car driven by a stranger. I’d been living in North London near Golders Green tube in Cricklewood for university since the beginning of September. When I first moved in, a walk around the borough showed that it was inhabited by colorful characters and far removed from posh Notting Hill. But it was my London home and I didn’t let it phase me one bit.

On this particular cool evening, I found myself heading out into the night air for a 20-minute walk back to my halls of residence from my boyfriend’s flat. He’d offered to walk me home, but in typical stubborn fashion, I refused. I cut through the parking lot behind the block of flats and struck up a conversation with a bloke in his mid-twenties. We exchanged pleasantries and since he was heading out and going my way, he offered me a ride. Thinking nothing of it, I climbed into the passenger seat of his sedan.

I ignored the shrill rings of my mobile on the 3/4 mile drive. My driver asked if I needed to answer my phone and I shrugged, acknowledging it was just my boyfriend and I could call back in a bit.

I was delivered safe and sound and without incident across the street from my living quarters much faster than had I walked.

In my mind, no harm done.

Back within the confines of my dorm, I was under heat from a boyfriend who was beyond livid, believing I’d put myself in a potentially life-threatening situation. He’d heard me talking to the stranger, saw me get into the car and yelled after me, feeling absolutely helpless. Even his flatmates were stunned at what I’d done. They’d never speak to their neighbors, let alone accept a ride from one of them.

My protests were futile, but I still tried to argue that the guy was nice and just trying to be friendly and helpful. My side was not listened to and whatever I said did nothing to diffuse the anger directed towards me.  Sure, I appreciated everyone’s concern but dismissed it.

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The aftermath from my “fall” off the railing ledge, as portrayed in my Scars and Wounds project for makeup class. My design and application earned me an A-.

The car incident isn’t the only illustration of my flirtation with recklessness, just probably the one fraught with the most risk. Stateside in college the year prior, I lived with friends in a second story apartment in the back of a house. A favorite place of mine to perch was the railing ledge outside our door. Sometimes I’d dangle one leg on the pavement side, sending said friends into hysterics as they were convinced that I was in mortal danger of plummeting to the ground. I used my friends’ fear as inspiration behind a scars, wounds and disfigurements project in makeup class which I think only frustrated them more.

My unabashed boldness continued through the years. Despite living in Chicago herself for a number of years, my Grandma constantly fears for my safety because now I’m the one living in the city and this must mean I’m in imminent danger of attack, robbery, or a litany of other unsavory acts. One Christmas she gave me Mace. She didn’t like that I had to walk after work late at night four blocks to catch a bus. I never carried the Mace.

I’ve tried to explain to Grandma and others that things can happen to you anywhere: city, country, suburbs. I refuse to be fearful of this neighborhood or that and most things won’t hold me back or scare me too much. My advice? Be aware of your surroundings and above all – don’t live life in fear. And I guess in retrospect, it’s not the best idea to accept rides from strangers. (Even if they seem to be really nice guys).

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Good Enough

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For over 250 years, the Lone Cypress has been a source of inspiration and a symbol of the resilience in us all.

I wrote a bio for a close friend that included the words “multi-award winning” and it spiraled me into what I shall call a contemplative study, but professionals might diagnose as melancholia. I’m extremely proud of this friend who’s had a remarkable career up to this point, but it led me to reflect upon the last bio written for me which read something like this: 

“Sara Tieman is a Theatre Performance major from Illinois. She has previously been seen in The Way of the World, The Art of Dining and The Caucasian Chalk Circle, among others. She hopes to someday be a dancer for Tina Turner.”

Not only is there no mention of awards I’ve won (to date, there are none – except for speech contests and a Young Author’s Award, all of which were a zillion lightyears removed from present time and, therefore, do not count) but sadly I have never danced for Tina Turner, either. Not that I saw that as a realistic goal, but it would have been rather awesome to be any rock star’s “fly girl.” But, I digress…

My career is very different from that of my friend’s. I’m cautiously optimistic that there is still plenty of time ahead for it to change, yet the future outcome is anyone’s guess. 

Instead, I find myself staring down the stark realization of “good enough” and repeating to myself the mantra: “Where I am right now is good enough. I am good enough.” Saying this out loud, even putting pen to paper to write it down or typing it now on a keyboard, not only makes me sound like Stuart Smalley from the old Saturday Night Live skit, but it’s absolute torture. We are always our own worst critics, facing a most terrible adversary disguised as ourselves. Even as I say “I am good enough” I don’t quite believe it.

So, there I lived in a dark corner for a bit, grappling with my worth, my good enough, until…

That very same friend shared with me this message: “I am fulfilled on my life’s journey. When I am at a crossroads, what do I do? Do I take the the familiar path or the one less traveled? Whichever path I choose, I make a commitment to enjoy the journey. All paths lead me to, and through, new adventures.”

As I read the passage, I felt the Divine, the Universe give me a knowing smile and I knew that I needed to hear that message desperately. It reminded me of the Robert Frost poem that has been a favorite of mine since high school – a challenge to take the less traveled path in life. Furthermore, receiving the message from this same friend sealed a gap that my own insecurities had created. The sinister voice inside ceased berating me about my friend’s achievements and my lack thereof. 

No, I’m not living the life that I imagined my good enough would look like when I was 16 or even 20. Some aspects are better than good enough, while others pale in the shade. I’m learning every day to accept that everything is good enough that happens right now, here in this place and in this time. And that has to be enough. Or, shall I say, good enough? 

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The Attack of the Killer Collies

“There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid.” – L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful World of Oz

Danger met me square in the face when I was about eight-years old and in the third grade. At this age, we believed ourselves one step removed from Superman and unabashedly invincible. We’d already achieved so much. My class was reading chapter books, perfecting our cursive and memorizing times tables…we possessed a knowledge unique unto ourselves. We were brave. Gallant. 

It was spring. The air smelled heavenly sweet, the morning dew glistened like diamonds on the emerald bed of grass, and there were a smattering of cottonball cumulus (yes, I think we learned that word in third grade science class) clouds in the crystal blue sky. Seated at the kitchen table dressed in my brown, yellow and white uniform jumper, I finished my breakfast and slung a brown backpack bearing my school’s logo – the mighty eagle – across my shoulders. My mom kissed me and my younger brother goodbye and we set off for the bus stop. 

My brother and I had to walk to the end of the block to our designated spot on Sandy Pass. To reach the bus stop, we had to walk past what was collectively referred to by the neighborhood kids as “the house.” Two doors down from our blue and white Victorian stood a bluish-gray cedar ranch. We seldom saw the occupants of the house, a working couple, and whenever we did, they were never very pleasant. 

This couple had no children but owned two sable and white collies as their pets. They were kept behind a gray wooden fence and you could always hear them growling and barking. Some neighbors felt sorry for the dogs, while others considered them to be a nuisance. Us kids secretly thought they weren’t dogs at all but savage wildebeests. 

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My dog, Heidi Satin Mittens who broke up sibling fights, loved jumping hurdles and was NOT a killer collie.

As said invincible third grader, I was not afraid of anything…except, well, those dogs. It wasn’t just me. Most of the neighborhood kids who had any sense were afraid of them too. Some adults even voiced concerns for our safety. I heard worried whispers say, “One day, those dogs might jump that fence.” 

This did nothing to relieve my jitters, but I didn’t dare admit this cowardice to anyone, not even acknowledge it in myself. 

Silently, my first grade brother and I cautiously tiptoed past “the house” and it’s gray wooden fence. I kept a keen ear directed toward the sound of the collies’ soft, menacing growls and the violent thudding of my heart…

The next thing I knew, those dogs bolted out of the fence like a shotgun and ran straight towards me! My little brother started running to the bus stop but if he felt any fear, the dogs didn’t sense his. They had found their prey…and it was me. 

I froze. How was a third grader supposed to defend her life from two ferocious collies? Proclaiming your bravery and courage is one thing, but acting upon it is something entirely different! Should I attempt to hit them with my backpack, hopefully rendering them unconscious? I sincerely doubted that would cause the flesh-hungry wolves any damage. After all, they’d probably chew right through my bag anyway. So, I did the only thing I could possibly do.

Screaming like a banshee, I raced across to the other side of the street and ran for my life. Every so often, I turned around to see a flash of brown and white following closely behind me, gaining on me, pink tongues lolling from the sides of their mouths with saliva dripping from their gums like a broken faucet. I faintly heard the kids from the bus stop, the only witnesses to my impending doom, yelling: “Run, Sara, run!”

I dashed back across the street, up our driveway and the sidewalk leading to the front door. I screamed, pounded my fists on the door and rang the bell. The door opened and I somersaulted through the screen door, collapsing on the wood floor. One of the collies removed his snout from the door’s pathway just in time before my mom shut it. 

Yes, I came that close to being mauled.

“Those dogs almost killed me,” I informed my mother seriously, trying my best to defeat the tremble in my throat and the terror that pulsed through me. 

My mom nodded her head sympathetically, hugged me and walked me back to the bus stop. You’d think I would have at least been driven to school after a near brush with death. 

The owner of the collies had collected her dogs and penned them up in the garage. Evidently, the latch on the fence’s gate hadn’t been securely fastened and the collies were able to push their way out. She feigned an apology and said she hoped they hadn’t caused too many problems. 

But those collies did cause a problem. Their attack chipped away at my sense of invincibility, the illusion of Superman shattered, never to be repaired again.

 

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Slow and Steady Wins the Race: Lessons from the Tortoise

“The secret of success is constancy to purpose.” – Benjamin Disraeli

I’ve been in a battle grappling with my mortal enemies: self-doubt and despondency. They lurk in corners and trail me like two dark shadows, nipping at my heels. Sometimes, my best intentions of living joyfully and with purpose in the light go horribly awry because self-doubt hits me with a surprise right hook and then despondency steps in with an uppercut that leaves me reeling. And I’m knocked flat on the ground. 

Last night, I started to think about turtles. Odd, I know, but it was because I was asked to describe a turtle’s greatest accomplishment from a turtle’s point of view. Unsurprisingly, I immediately made the leap to Aesop’s fable the Tortoise and the Hare.

As I wrote, the parallels between what I think of myself and my current struggles and the turtle became glaringly apparent. This exercise left me with more than a little food for thought. Here’s what I wrote, speaking as the tortoise: 

“My perseverance and persistence has always been my greatest accomplishment, as well as my greatest strength. Those who judge me based on my appearance will think I’m slow of mind and body, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.  Now, I’m gradually starting to make others see me in a different light. Their doubt in me has only caused me to work harder. Winning the race against the hare only further proved this to myself and became the catalyst for others to realize it, too. I believe that steadiness and diligence always win.

Still, it’s not always easy to feel like you’re left behind, with everyone rushing past you. Despite this, I continue to live my life with a quiet endurance and a knowingness that I’m in the right place at the right time. As difficult as it can be, I strive to persevere through the challenges that present themselves as stumbling blocks in my way, discovering time and time again a newfound strength and determination in myself.  It’s taught me that I’m less likely to make the same mistake twice and to always keep driving forward. I know I can achieve anything I want if I believe in myself.” 

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My conclusion: Turtles are pretty freaking awesome. 

I read that the turtle takes his wisdom one day at a time: not reacting, simply accepting and moving on. Doing that alone takes all the strength and determination in the world. If I can learn from that wisdom, then maybe next time I’ll be the one delivering the knockout blow to self-doubt and despondency. 

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A Pool By Any Other Name

I like to believe I was the catalyst for all of the cool things my family owned, thanks to my relentless persistence and constant badgering. By “cool things,” I mean a dog. And a pool. My parents would probably tell the story of how these cool things came to be a bit differently, but if they feel that way, they should go start their own blogs.

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Ironically, this is one of the few photos that could be found of the pool from the old house. Current theory is that my dad destroyed evidence of its existence….

Two years after the installation of the pool, we moved across town and left the pool behind, despite my protests otherwise to take it with us. As fate would dictate, the neighborhood was incorporated into a new town with its own set of pretentious rules – similar to Beverly Hills but without the 90210 zip code. One of these rules pertained to pools. If you decided to install a swimming pool, it now had to be in ground.

By this point in time, it wasn’t long before I’d be leaving for college and having pools no longer seemed to be that important. But it was to my sister Marissa who had another 17 years to grow up in that house. So, as she grew older, she assumed the role of pleading for a pool and despite now being in college herself, has not given up the pursuit or hope of getting one.

This spring, Chicago was hit with record rainfall. One particular morning, my father decided to use this to his advantage and emailed my sister with some unexpected and exciting news that went like this:

Dad (to Marissa): One of your wishes came to fruition yesterday – an in ground swimming pool was installed in our backyard. And to my great relief, we got it for free. Can’t wait for you to get home to enjoy it!!!

Marissa (to Dad): POOL?!?!?!??? If you’re kidding papa, that’s a sick joke! I told Shannon [her friend] and she’s even excited. I told her if it’s a pond, we’re going to hate you guys forever. Haha, not really, but a pool is no joking matter!

Me (to Marissa): Marissa, I’m disappointed to say this, but there’s no pool other than one provided by Mother Nature (commonly known as a “flood”). I’m actually marooned in my neighborhood and working from home today. You’re welcome to come swim on Pratt, Greenview and I’m sure several other streets.

Several towns are closed, roads are impassable, there’s a giant sink hole that swallowed cars on the South side, part of Libertyville High School caved in, Pratt at the Edens is under seven feet of water, and they actually advised people to stay home on the news this morning.

So, now I’m taking a “rain day” – whoever heard of such a thing?

Oh, yeah, Noah did and he built an ark for this sort of occurrence.

Hopefully, the “pool” will still be waiting for you when you’re home for summer break to enjoy. A word of caution: swim at your own risk; communicable diseases are a possibility.

Staying above water, your sis

I learned later that my sister had even texted my mom to voice her enthusiasm about the pool before my email revealed the terrible truth. Then, I was accused of being a “killjoy” and “spoil sport” by my dad (his exact words), but to be honest, I started to wonder a bit about my sister for taking this seriously. Is she studying too hard?

However, thinking about it more deeply, I realized I should adopt more of her optimistic spirit. Bless her for wanting to believe in the existence of that pool.

Anyway….pool party’s in my parent’s backyard this summer. Get a Tetanus shot first if you want to swim.

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Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Within the past month, I’ve been the recipient of some unexpected, flattering compliments that have led me to ruminate on the practice of loving yourself and how, for many of us, it’s not an easy thing to do. We’re much more comfortable showing love to our family and friends than ourselves.

Sometimes, we struggle within our skin, searching for a way to fit in and belong. Nowhere is this more evident than as a preteen or teen when most of us feel gangly and awkward and that our bodies are exploding from every possible direction. Recess, that incarnation of the devil, only makes this worse if you’re feeling like an outsider. Too many times I wandered the playground aimlessly by myself or tried to invent ways to avoid heading outside after lunch. Being the tallest girl in my class until eighth grade won me no favors, nor did the glasses, retainer, wonky front teeth, permed hair (give me a break – this was the 80s/90s!) or bookish smarts. All in all, with self-esteem at rock bottom, it was a sure recipe to be teased by peers.

Sure they didn’t know any better or sure they probably felt just as geeky as I looked, but their words and actions still resonated. They stung to the core.

My mom told me once that these boys taunted me because they liked me. I’d love to interview every last one of them to see if that held any weight. Or at least to see that they’re now all balding and living in deserts – not that anyone who is bald and lives in a desert is a bad person – but at least I could say that I hope they understand what it’s like.

Nevertheless, what good is “loving thy neighbor” as my Catholic upbringing taught when you can’t love yourself?

Recently, I shared some vacation photos and was surprised to receive numerous lovely comments on one of the pictures where I posed in a new dress. I was flummoxed, slightly embarassed and in awe of what friends and family see in me that I choose to ignore and disregard in myself. Then, a few weeks later, I met a lady who out of the blue told me I had a “beautiful and unique face.” I was presented with another lesson in acceptance to listen to this good, this positivity and to believe in its truth when the natural inclination is to dismiss it and allow the negativity to permeate.

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13 years old

The honest truth is that we’ll always find someone prettier, skinnier and richer with a better wardrobe and perfect teeth and mercifully, those teenage years don’t last forever. I’m sure (or I hope) that Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Upton and whomever People magazine deems as the “most beautiful in the world” all battle with questions of self-doubt and uncertainty. If they don’t, well, I hate them.

And so it is with a giant leap forward and an expression of loving myself that I endeavor to share stories of life, loss and the general pursuit of happiness – or the follies of my existence, at the very least – some of which I hope will resonate with you, dear Reader.

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