Six Feet Standing Tall

Breaking the Habit

Posted on July 10, 2014 by Six Feet Standing Tall

I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be alright
So I’m breaking the habit…Tonight.
– “Breaking the Habit” by Linkin Park

It had been an ordinary day. But that’s the funny thing about ordinary – the extraordinary is always trying to break through.

Thursday, June 8 was a warm and pleasant day in Chicago. Around 4 in the afternoon, it was time to step away from the office and my desk chair to practice some arm balances on the lawn in the sun.

By 5:30 p.m. I was in yoga class, thinking that this was just another day, just another yoga class. As in prior classes, every pose brought a delicate balance of strength and struggle, ease and challenge.

About 20 minutes before the end of class, it came time to move to the wall. I died a little inside. I tried to quiet the defeatist voices in my head: “I’m not good at this. I can’t do this. It will never happen.” I contemplated leaving class early, like I’d done the other day. It seemed easier to bow out quietly than to be the class joke who can’t kick up to meet the wall without instructor assistance.

Furthermore, my right shoulder had been bothering me for weeks. The stress that had always remained hidden under my shoulder blades had crept up and up into a much more noticeable pain at the top of my shoulder. A doctor suggested that I stop this yoga practice for a while. It seemed like my more recent troubles began there, she positioned. I wasn’t so sure, but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to shake this ache.

I stayed in class. I turned to face the wall. I kicked up, expecting the ordinary.

Instead, the extraordinary happened. I kicked up. I kicked up and rather than finding air and coming straight back down to the ground, I found the wall. The connection made, I nearly catapulted down again out of panic, amazement or surprise – it’s difficult to say which, although it was probably a combination of all three.

Upside down, I expected the class around me to erupt into applause. Didn’t they witness this miracle, my awesome achievement? My impossible had become possible and only I seemed to notice and acknowledge it! I felt a little bit disappointed. This was my moment of glory! “Notice me, people!” I shouted inside of my head. After what seemed like forever, I stepped off the wall.

I leant back on my shins and stared at the wall, holding back tears of joy, wonder and disbelief. I did it. I really did it. I wanted to hug the wall. It seemed like we’d finally reached an understanding. After months of uneasiness with one another, we suddenly turned a corner. The wall no longer intimidated me.

As I sat there, I became acutely aware that the pain in my shoulder was gone. The realization led me to think that the shoulder pain and my fear of the wall were one in the same: my struggle to kick up had manifested itself as the everyday pain in my shoulder. Making contact with the wall dissolved all of that pain and fear I’d been holding. I was free.

When the instructor came by, I shared the good news. We exchanged a double high five. I kicked for the second time, successfully making impact with the wall again.

On this day of my breakthrough, the only one judging and measuring me all along was me. I was the only one who thought of myself as a failure. I was right to be the only one clapping for myself. I deserved my own praise. It didn’t need to come from anyone else. Only I knew how deeply this weighed on my soul, how this had become my Everest.

The summit reached, on that ordinary turned extraordinary day, everything felt possible.

Me, in wall-supported forearm balance. Next step is to not clasp my hands together.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged achievement, breakthrough, challenge, extraordinary, fear, ordinary, strength, struggle, yoga | 2 Comments

I Come Apart

Posted on March 19, 2014 by Six Feet Standing Tall

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! – John 16:33

As I made my way home after work, I misstepped as I climbed some stairs and stumbled. Though momentarily startled and jarred, years of experience with my own clumsiness meant I carefully regained my balance. I hadn’t fallen; I was only briefly shaken. I looked around. No one saw this trip up the stairs.

There are days when I’m sure that I am living my life in harmony and peace. On those days, I feel confident and focused, assured that new opportunities are just around the corner. I know that the future promises to be bright with excitement and endless possibility.

Then there are days where I feel worthless and disappointed in myself for the choices I made that brought me to the now. Those days, nothing is right and every step is a stumble. This misstep is seen by the entire world and it laughs at you. It shouldn’t be funny when someone falls, but for some reason we struggle to stifle our laughter. A way to cope because we know that we’ve all been there; we’ve all fallen before? Maybe. From this misstep, recovery is not nearly as graceful. My balance is shaky.

Those darker days are deeply rooted in fear. It’s a real fear that those words of disappointment and unworthiness could be true. I die a little inside when I let the roots deepen and overcome me with worry, growing into a fear that I am a mistake, or I’ve wasted my time and squandered any talent that might have been given to me, if there is any talent to squander. That fear is like a weed, growing out of control and threatening every flower and plant that stands in its way.

Once upon a time, I had it all figured out. Whether it was sleight of hand, a magic trick gone awry or a strong wind from the east, whatever “it” was lay in disheveled ruins. The course was detoured and I grew weary of making other plans, having other dreams. Picking up the pieces, I wondered “what next?”

And that’s when fear established residency in my being. The faith I once had in myself grew dim, if it even glowed at all. Trust was nonexistent. That’s what happens in the dark days.

My fear lives in the hottest deserts. The sun is strong and I struggle to detect any signs of life. Will I find any water to drink that will restore the peace and harmony, bringing back the better days? If I do see the water, is it only a mirage fooling me that things can get better and hope will prevail?

Fear is my weapon, my own self-destructing ammunition. Unsteady, I flirt with the danger of pulling the trigger. A little bit of danger doesn’t scare me, but this kind is unnerving. Here, I come apart.

I read somewhere that falling down is part of life and getting back up is living. It’s a certainty that some of what I had figured out did not work out the way I wanted. There have been plenty of missteps…and I can only imagine there will be a few more before it’s all said and done. The continued challenge is in denying the fear and the darkening shadow of doubt it casts upon me, coloring my perception for the poorer. It is in rejection of the fear and the power it threatens to hold over me that I can become whole again.

In the Badlands of South Dakota. If this is the desert where my fear lives, I’m going to find it wearing a blue cowboy hat…according to this picture, anyway.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged desert, disappointment, fall, fear, plans, steps, stumble, trouble, worth | 1 Comment

Upside Down in a This Side Up World

Posted on February 24, 2014 by Six Feet Standing Tall

Hello, my name is Sara and I’m afraid.

As I understand it, one of the first steps towards any recovery begins with that statement. You’ve said it. You’ve taken your first step. You start at the bottom, at the foundations and begin building back up – brick by brick. I am. I am. I am. I’m.

I’m afraid of snakes. The shivers towards this particular slithering reptile began in kindergarten with the alphabet when “S” like in “Sara” was commonly illustrated with the “S” as in “snake.” I’m afraid of deeper darker things too, but it’s not the time to delve into those now.

Hello, my name is Sara and I’m afraid to go upside down.

I’ve been learning forearm balance, a yoga pose where – yes, you guessed it – the only part of you connected to the earth is from your elbow to the palm of your hand. The first part to master is kicking your legs up so that they hit the wall behind you for some extra stability. When you’re really good, you won’t need the wall because, as the anti-yogi says in my head: the wall is for losers. On the other hand, the zen yogi comprehends this non-judgmental statement: if using the wall is where you’re at in this practice, then honor yourself and what you can do today. Namaste.

My first attempt at forearm balance happened two summers ago. I didn’t even want to try, but I wasn’t given much of a choice. The instructor was there to help me kick up, an expectant look upon her face. With my nose hovering dangerously mere inches above the floor, I panicked, convinced that my neck would break or I’d sever my spinal cord. Born a breech baby, even in utero I’d decided that I was adverse to standing on my head.

Old habits die hard.

Now here’s yoga imitating life. I’m ignorant and blind to my own power and strength. It’s a lot of leg to kick up and my kick is still weak and uncertain. I’m afraid of letting myself down, or worse – crashing into other yogis and them falling like dominos. Then, there’s that wall. The wall – my future successes I might dare to achieve – is so far away. I’m trying, but I’m afraid. I make a few small steps towards a breakthrough, but it still hasn’t happened yet.

What happens if I succeed? Will I think differently of this world when I see it topsy-turvy? Isn’t this world already askew, even looking at it right side up? After all, when you ignore the “this side up” label, it’s quite possible that those contents inside may no longer be intact or the same ever again.

the world titled on its side

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged afraid, breakthrough, failure, fear, forearm balance, power, recovery, strength, success, yoga | Leave a comment

Best Time of My Life

Posted on February 18, 2014 by Six Feet Standing Tall

Change is a five-letter word referring to the loose coins in your pocket or the thing that comes into your life, shaking it up for the good, the bad or the indifferent. I’ve welcomed it, wished for it, wondered when it would come and dreaded it.

In September 2000, I was more than ready for it.

Sitting amongst piles of clothes and belongings, I picked up a magazine and thumbed through it, pausing to ready my horoscope that read something like this:

“Gigantic changes in every area of your life are presently in the works. This all may seem scary, but once the whirlwind is over, you’ll see how productive its been. Prepare to be proud of your courage and and your accomplishments.”

My heart leapt with anticipation upon reading these words. The only thing I’d argue against that what I was about to embark upon seemed scary. To the contrary. I wasn’t scared at all.

The moment had finally arrived. I’d packed, unpacked and repacked my suitcase about a thousand times until I was sure all the contents were just so. This included rolls of film for my camera, CDs and my portable CD player. All of my life for the next five months fitted inside just three bags: a suitcase, backpack and messenger bag.

The world was a different place then so my parents waited with me at the United Airlines gate until it was time to board. Tears welled in my mom’s eyes as she gave me one final hug goodbye. I hoped that my confidence reassured her. More than anything, I wanted this opportunity to make the world my own. It was my time to go.

This first flight would take me to New Jersey and the next was a red-eye to England. Nearly 4,000 miles from Chicago, I’d make northern London my new home studying theatre for a semester in this city renowned for the dramatic arts and where Shakespeare once performed on the stage of The Globe.

at St. James’s Palace in the year 2000

Here I navigated the Tube and double decker buses, discovered cider and drank pints of Strongbow in carpeted pubs built in the 1700s, saw 23 plays in the West End, adopted British phrases like “cheers,” “loo” and “mobile,” ate Cadbury’s Creme Eggs in October (they make them year-round here – not just at Easter!) and shopped at stores along Oxford Circus in special sections dedicated to tall girls. I finally found my island paradise in this country that understood how to make clothes for the long-legged. It was from here that I set off to explore 11 other countries, lived 13 days according to train timetables and managed to pack everything I’d need in a backpack. Much to my surprise, it was here that I met a British boy who four years later would become my husband.

When the whirlwind of my life abroad ended in January, it was difficult to return to the States. My home country felt foreign and unfamiliar. It would take time and distance to reconcile those feelings. Time and distance have also evoked a wistful nostalgia for the life I spent in London all those years ago. Truly it was the best time of my life and the measure of contentment for all else when freedoms abounded, stress was nonexistent, travel was at my fingertips and I still felt like I could do anything.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged anticipation, best time, change, England, London, study abroad, travel, United Kingdom | 1 Comment

The Unquiet

Posted on February 12, 2014 by Six Feet Standing Tall

I drove about 15 miles north of the city cruising at 60 plus, fingers fidgeting with the radio station dials. My ear grew weary of the same song heard over and over and so I flip, flip, flip. I hesitated on “The Monster” by Eminem and Rihanna and sung along to a verse, then the chorus:

“I’m friends with the monster that’s under the bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head.”

I let loose, singing as if I’m the next Mariah Carey or Beyonce and imagining myself a diva with the voice of an angel when in reality I only sing by myself in the car and have a voice that attracts stray cats.

The chorus of “The Monster” really gave me pause. Get along with the voices inside of my head? No, I’m not sure that I do. And there aren’t multiple voices, either. It’s really only one voice in my head and she became more defined for me at a retreat back in January. One of the speakers called her the ego and named her “shady bitch.” I laughed at that name a little too long and a little too hard because it struck a nerve. Mine is the shadiest bitch of them all, I thought. The bitchiest bitch.

I know exactly what she looks like. She’s me, but better. The me I wish I looked like with the life I wish were mine. Of course, she knows this and I can only presume that’s why she gloats so much. This is she:

My shady bitch is tall at 6’1″ with just past her shoulders blonde hair that’s wavy and bouncy in all the right ways. Her eyes are bluer, a bit more piercing. She wears a tasteful curve-accentuating dress adorned with some sequins (nothing too flashy and definitely alluring) and somehow she executes the balance of girl hot and guy hot seamlessly. She maintains an intriguing mystique, never revealing too much and always leaving you wanting more. Her skin is flawless, her makeup perfect and she had a six-figure salary by the time she was 30 years old.

Don’t you just want to slap her silly?

Here’s an insight into a recent exchange of conversation between the two of us:

She: You’re ugly. (hesitates, reevaluates?) Well, maybe that’s a little harsh. Shall we say un-pretty?

Me: “Un-pretty?” You must be listening to TLC again. No, I’m not as ugly as I thought I was at 13, but you’re right. I’m not pretty.

She: You have small eyes and pale eyebrows. Your skin isn’t perfectly even.

Me: Thanks. (like I didn’t know this before) I know. I use makeup. I try to make myself prettier. I wish I were prettier.

She: Maybe you should try harder.

Me: (silence; is unsure how to respond)

She: You were stupid to get a theatre degree. Did you think you were going to be famous or something?

Me: The stage is what I loved. Acting and writing. Writing and acting. I wanted to be successful for me. Yeah, I thought I could be an actor.

She: Hmmm. Guess you thought wrong.

Me: I wish I could go back and change things. I would if I could, now that I know more. Do things differently.

She: Well, you can’t. You were stupid. Now you’re stuck.

Me: (offended) I’m not stupid. I was pretty smart.

She: (staring at me, judging me, offering no response)

Me: (protesting) You’ll see. It will out for me somehow.

She: But it might not.

Me: (resigned, with a sigh) You’re right. It might not.

And so I sit with my fear that everything shady bitch has ever said to me is true. I’m worthless, stupid, “un-pretty,” a bad decision-maker, the list of my flaws and shortcomings is endless.

That’s why I drove away from the city – to practice sitting a different way. It was the final class in a three-week meditation seminar. We learned how to crawl, then walk and now, this final week, we were going to run. Meditation is something I’ve tried to do over the past few years with varying degrees of success and regularity and thought this seminar would help bring more focus to my practice. My purpose is to find clarity, self-knowing and a cure for what is dying inside me.

Sitting in the quiet, I’m no part of shady bitch and she’s no part of me. Her criticisms are suddenly silenced. Here in this place I look to find me, who I really am. Here in meditation, you are not your body. You are not your thoughts. You are greater than both. You have no shady bitch.

That’s reason enough for me to sit.

the quest for the quiet in Sedona, Arizona

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged discovery, ego, meditation, quiet, self doubt, self-hatred, silence, sit, voices | Leave a comment

The Winter of Our Discontent

Posted on February 8, 2014 by Six Feet Standing Tall

snow-covered Bean

It snowed again in Chicago today, adding to the 60 plus inches of snowfall we’ve already received. I’m sure a collective sigh and disgusted shouts of “enough already!” could be heard across the area. This winter has been a rough one. Meteorologists regurgitate recycled forecasts: snow, cold, snow, sub-zero temperatures. Repeat.

Suddenly, we’ve all become citizens of some place dubbed “Chiberia,” which is either some futuristic version of Chicago or Chicago transported to the Arctic. The winter has introduced new words into the vernacular like “polar vortex,” “steam devil” and “snow rollers” amongst others. It’s a winter for the record books: the coldest in 30 years to date.

With the scene set for any of you readers who might not hail from this frozen Midwestern city, the worst thing about this winter to me is the cold. Although I’m grateful to have found a pair of long underwear long enough for my 36″ inseam, I’d be happier if I never had to wear them again. A January baby born in the year of one of Chicago’s worst blizzards that cost a mayor’s reelection, winter is my season. While I don’t particularly spend much time outdoors engaging in any wintry activities like skiing or ice skating – most likely out of fear that my nearly six feet tall frame will come crashing down to the ground, I will happily sip hot chocolate, bundle up in a warm sweater, or sit by a cozy fire. Winter it’s a season we must endure. How can you enjoy the warm without the cold? Summer without winter? Sure, sometimes it can wear me down, but my heart leaps whenever I look to the sky and see those glittering, every one of them unique, snowflakes floating down from the clouds above.

One winter day some years ago, I looked up to see those snowflakes falling and immediately thought of my sister. I laughed about it for a moment first, but quickly silenced myself. I wasn’t wrong. The snow felt like a gift for me, a reminder that Emily was present and thinking about me. At a four-day high school retreat, we were surprised with letters of support and well-wishes from family and friends. We left with our packet of letters and returned to our rooms to read them. As I climbed the stairs to mine, I looked out the window to see some snow lightly falling. My breath caught and tears came to my eyes. This was Emily’s letter to me: I am here. I am with you.

We are all just looking for reassurance and solace that our loved ones are still with us. People see signs and feel messages in all sorts of different things. It can be easy to dismiss it as crazy until you see it over and over again and you finally listen to that voice inside that tells you otherwise.

The winter of 2013-2014 may be the winter of the collective’s discontent, but I feel oddly contented. I’ve gotten 60 inches plus worth of love, hugs and support from someone who continues to look out for me. And it’s really after the hardest winter seasons of our lives that we come into the the biggest gifts and greatest joys of spring.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Chiberia, Chicago, polar vortex, reassurance, remembrance, seasons, snow, snowfall, spring, winter | 2 Comments

So Raise A Glass

Posted on January 1, 2014 by Six Feet Standing Tall

Nothing says the new year like a pyrotechnic display

The last ball has dropped. Champagne has been drunk, party hats thrown out and the confetti all swept away after revelers the world over toasted to the fourteenth year of the 21st century. 2014.

Suddenly, the whirlwind of the holiday season has come to an abrupt end. It feels like the carpet has been swept out from beneath our feet and we’re left breathless and trying to regain our balance all at the same time. There’s no more pressure to buy, bake, eat, wrap, unwrap, mingle and make merry. Come the second of January, it’s life as we always knew it.

But it’s not. It’s a new year.

Each new year heralds the spark of anticipation of things to come. Resolutions made still unbroken. A full year of 365 days ahead of us in which anything can happen in our lives: the good, the unfortunate, the surprises and everything else in between.

I woke this January 1st with sore feet, unable to shake the feeling that I’d been given a “do over” with this new year. So many times I’ve wished that I could just go back and start all over again. I’d do it all differently. Maybe I’d be born a math or science whiz. If I was still inclined to follow the arts, I’d get a different college degree. If I’d done it differently, maybe I’d be in a better place now – whatever that might look like.

It’s not always easy to distance myself from these thoughts and instead accept me in this life as it is now. When I do find the perspective and peace to let this all go, some voice somewhere tells me that one day soon I’ll realize to do differently would be foolish.

The new year is a blank slate; a chance to try again. It’s a do over. No, not to start at the beginning of life, but to start now – wherever that now in your life is. Imagine the possibilities and the unknown that lies ahead…

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged anticipation, do over, holidays, new, new year, possibility, redo, unknown | Leave a comment

Ho-Hum?-liday

Posted on December 24, 2013 by Six Feet Standing Tall

Just 15 short days after she died it was Christmas, a day meant to fill the heart with hope and peace. Mine was frozen.

On the Christmas day service of that first Christmas without her, the four of us – me, mom, dad and brother – sat in our usual church pew near my favorite statue of Mary next to the emergency exit door that taunted and teased me as a means of escape. But there was nowhere to go.

I don’t remember much about that mass. I know they said Emily’s name out loud as one of the recently deceased. I know I wanted to run from the bench and punch out the entire choir when they sang “Away in a Manger” as part of their selection of carols. Upon hearing the first note, my chest grew heavy and I eyed my parents nervously. Both swiped at tears building in their eyes. Not that song, please, not that song. “Away in a Manger” was one of the songs my parents had requested at Emily’s funeral mass less than two weeks prior.

Those past 15 days, I’d become weary, worried and tense whenever I saw my parents cry. Especially my dad. At age 11, I was rocked with the sudden reality that this sadness and loss had affected all of us and my parents were not immune to the suffering. We were all vulnerable. We were all hurting. But it’s something else when you see your dad cry.

As the years passed, Christmas was just another ho-hum holiday to me, more “hum” in my heart that “ho-ho-ho”. The stillness of the sad crept in around December 10 and hovered until the New Year before departing, just to come back the year after and the year after.

But 23 years laters, this Christmas is going to be different.

I was given a directive to “embrace Christmas”. Love the season. Bring back the peace, the hope, the joy.

I admit I’ll protest against a few challenges, but this one sunk like a stone in my soul. In my being, I know that I have to change and find a lightness of heart, a happiness that was never there before or, more likely, was buried a long, long, long time ago.

I didn’t object about putting up the tree and decorations. I didn’t imply that maybe it was just too much work and not worth it. That was a big outward change that did not go unnoticed by my husband as he’s the only one who has to listen to my groans every year.

All other shifts to a new awakening are happening with me:

My heart is thawing.

I’m figuring out what happiness looks like.

I want to be hopeful about so many things.

I think there are many reasons to be joyful.

Angels on the Emily tree

The first Christmas without her it started with a small tree and an angel ornament or two. Of course, she also had her own stocking that hung on the mantle between mine and my brother’s. Every year, a new angel ornament would be tucked in her stocking to add to the tree. The tree grew. Now, it’s a 6′ plus tree filled with angels and reminders that Emily is always with us.

The loss is always greater on the darkest days of the year, but within that dark there is a light that shines still.

I wish you, dear Reader, the light and love of this holiday season. Happy Christmas from a reforming Scrooge.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged challenges, change, Christmas, darkness, holiday, hope, light, loss, peace | 2 Comments

An Ordinary Monday in December

Posted on December 10, 2013 by Six Feet Standing Tall

It was just an ordinary day. Until it was not.

It was Monday, December 10.

I went to school that day and then babysat for a family in the neighborhood. An unexpected knock on the door and the instruction that I was not to go home that night disrupted the ordinary.

It was another “Terror Night”. Something happened that summoned my parents to the hospital that evening to be with Emily. My brother and I had a sleepover on a school night at our neighbor’s house. Before going to bed, I remember thinking, praying and hoping that everything would be all right as it always was in the past. Maybe it was another setback and, sure, that would be rough. She’d get through it, though, just as she fought all of the other curveballs preventing her from getting healthy and coming home.

The next morning we ate breakfast and our friends went to the bus stop without us. We were not told to get ready for school. I walked up the block to my house, four doors away, to pick up the board game Mall Madness. I tried not to consider it strange that I wasn’t going to school and would be able to sit at home and play games all day.

My dad’s car was in the driveway. I opened the front door and headed down the hallway. There, in the living room on the couch sat Emily’s plush Santa, clown and teddy bear. Why were those there? They should be with Emily at the hospital in her crib, I thought to myself.

My dad was on the phone and I tried to capture his attention, but he waved his hand away.

I stormed off. Somewhere, deep down, I knew something was wrong.

Upstairs, I found my mom and learned the terrible truth.

Emily, two days shy of her five-month birthday, died peacefully the night of Monday, December 10.

And in that moment, the stress and anxiety of the past 132 days vanished in a blink. There would be no more ups, no more downs, no more hope, no more disappointment. No more of anything. Only emptiness and a terrible, horrible void.

The whirlwind of joy that I had a sister to her too-short life had come to an all too abrupt end. Here I was, a few weeks from turning 12 and I couldn’t quite understand what happened. There had been plans made and discussions had to bring Emily home sometime after Christmas, maybe the beginning of January around my birthday. I’d already decided that Emily home would be the best birthday present ever.

But there must have been other plans, bigger than me, larger than any of us, that I could never grasp. To be fair, no matter what your age, when someone is taken from us before we wanted or expected there are always more questions than answers.

Family photo, 1990

Two weeks before Christmas, grief and memories replaced visions of sugarplums dancing in our heads.

I don’t remember much about the weeks that followed or that first Christmas without her except for a few things here and there. I know we had to begin coping without Emily in our lives. I know it was strange that visiting the hospital was no longer the routine.

But, I’ll never forget the Santa, clown and bear sitting on the sofa on a day after the day that would never be ordinary again.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Christmas, death, family, grief, loss, ordinary, sister | 2 Comments

What If?

Posted on October 9, 2013 by Six Feet Standing Tall

It’s never a conversation between the two of us.

No, the voice inside my head only ever talks at me. It prattles on relentlessly, incessantly. I am judged before this voice – all of my faults, my fears and my shortcomings facing brutal scrutiny. The frank, pointed and somewhat accusatory questions that the voice asks play as follows, never skipping a beat:

What if this is all you’ll ever do?

What if you can’t do anything else?

What if this all there is?

What if I do this and not that?

What if he/she thinks I’m ridiculous?

What I’m not good enough?

What if…what if…what if?

Now, a new “what if” has infiltrated the lexicon, skipping that record for the first time in a long time. This new “what if” shakes me a little too much these days. Eyebrow raised, the voice asks this time: “What if you can’t write one more word?”

And I worry because the ideas are there, but the words have dried up. What does come out reads like rubbish and I’m humiliated, frustrated and disgusted with myself. The letters stumble out as if they were shoved from behind and they fall…fall…fall…then crash to the ground with a thud and get stuck in some mud. They become jumbled and dirty, no longer resembling letters at all. Whatever they were is just a broken mess. It reminds me of staring at word for so long, slowly dissecting each letter that comprises that word until the letters become nothing and the word no longer makes sense.

In this world of what ifs, uncertainty and the like, I struggle to keep up with the Joneses, although apparently no one gives a toss about the Jones family in 2013. Instead, I must keep up with the Kardashians, but I can’t quite comprehend why I want to or even why they’re famous. Suddenly, I feel like I must keep up with something or I’ll be left behind in the dust. Am I OK with that? Am I strong enough if I choose to be left behind? I’d like to think so and think that it doesn’t matter, but…I’m not so sure. I have the “what ifs” to thank for the self doubt.

But just when I’m convinced that the what ifs are out to get me, I realized that those what ifs are strangely two-faced. They can be game changers for the better. It’s the manager who reads a resume and makes the phone call to schedule an interview, thinking “what if I take a chance on this person?” And what if that chance was what the person on the receiving end of the phone call really needed in order to make a new start, get ahead and succeed? That happens.

So, I dance with the what ifs like I dance with danger or the devil. Some days, that voice in my head is shouting, screaming at the top of her lungs all the negative what ifs that I fear could be true about myself. She makes me believe that they are true and I’m small. So very small.

Then the voice disappears or at least gets quiet and I feel harder, better, faster, stronger – just like the world expects me to be. I’m the only one in charge of my what ifs now and I think: “What if this is the start of something amazing? What if life is really just beginning now? What if…? What if…? What if…?